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Growing up I did not go to church nor were there any Christians in my family to influence me as a child. I had never heard of Jesus and I was unaware of any of the Biblical stories. My parents separated when I was very young. While I have memories of good times like holidays, summers on the lake, and winter activities like skiing and sledding, our daily household included drinking and drugs, which lead to verbal, mental, and sometimes physical abuse. Looking back on my childhood, I can sum up our lives with one word, Sin. I would say we lived in a constant state of SIN, which is the separation from God. It was not long before my parents sin trickled into my life. Starting in my early teenage years, I began drinking and using drugs to mask the hurt and sadness. I was lost and felt painfully lonely. In efforts to fill the void, I looked for love in all the wrong places and then felt betrayed by those who told me they loved me. But that love was only in the moment. The loss of love and of friendships led to several attempts to end my own life. These attempts attempts were a cry for help that often went unanswered. Looking back on these attempts, I was wanting someone to save me, I was looking for a savior. At the time I did not know a real Savior existed. One that truly loved me. he next 20+ years of my life would be taken over by addictions, circular patterns, and lack of purpose. I spiraled out of control. 

But God!

God showed up when I was at a low, a time when I thought I was at rock bottom. This was my first encounter with Him and He drew me to Him and comforted me. On that day of my first encounter with God, I was incarcerated and serving on a women's chain gang in a desolate landscape.   Daily we spent time working in this barren place. The last day on the chain gang the job we were given was to bury four indigent people in unmarked graves. As we pulled the boxes barely nailed shut that they used as caskets, out of the vans, some of the women sang Amazing Grace. 

 It was during this gut-wrenching task, God spoke softly and I knew there was more to life. I knew my life had a greater purpose, even if at the time I did not truly know what that purpose was or this God that was speaking to me was. As I sat on the bus in my black and while stripped jumpsuit with tears flowing from my eyes, I looked back at the newly entombed graves and gave thanks that I was not one of the four. God saved me for a purpose, even if I did not know what that purpose was to be or what I was to become.

Unfortunately, rock bottom has a basement and for the next 18 years I would struggle with addiction, severed family relationships and toxic romantic relationships that failed every time. Feeling unloved I reacted either in fight mode or flight mode, which created anxiety, depression, and created the cycle that brought me back around to numbing pain once again with alcohol or drugs. On top of this familiar cycle, I had to deal with the ramifications of limited career paths due to my felonies, job loses, and addictions. On a personal level I was in what felt like a constant custody battle, where I almost lost my children to their father. I was always stressed, battle weary, lonely, and exhausted.

The enemy had me on a leash that kept getting shorter. I was in so much bondage that I could physically feel the strangulation around my chest. I could not do this anymore, so as my four children and my new husband slept inside our house, I sat on the back patio beer in hand looking up at the star filled night sky and cried out to this God, who has spoken softly to me 18 years earlier on the chain gang. I was lonely with a crushing sadness in my heart. I was at my breaking point. I sobbed and as tears rolled down my cheeks I repeatedly asked for help and pleaded with Him to save me. I told Him I needed Him and the softly spoken promise that there was more to this life than what l had been living.

In the couple years since choosing God's way over my way, His guidebook, the Bible, has held the wisdom that I reflect upon. In John 10:10 it says, "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." As I sat on my patio overwhelmed by the pressures of life, I felt on the verge of destruction.

But God!

God provided a way out for me with those softly spoken words that there is more to life and that He has a purpose for my life. Words cannot express how good God is, how loving and merciful. Looking back, I see times when He was there guiding and directing my messed-up life so that I would have the opportunity to choose His way over my way. I am sure He saved me countless times that are unknown to me in this lifetime but when I finally meet Him, I will be awe-struck by His intervention that I will only be able to cup my hand over my mouth in awe and fall to my knees and sob. Sob not because I am hurt, lost, alone and afraid but because He saved me from being hurt, lost, alone, and afraid.

Getting back to the night on the patio, after the pleading and the sobbing, I picked up my phone and there was a Facebook post from an acquaintance, Gloria, who talked about a Healing & Deliverance group experiencing transformation through God.

Instantly I knew I needed the healing that these women were experiencing. I messaged Gloria who quickly replied with an invitation inviting me to attend the next session of classes on repentance and deliverance. In that moment I felt a feeling that had been missing from my life for many years. I felt Hope! Matthew 11:28 tells us to "Come to me (Jesus) all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest." It was that night that I felt at rest, at peace in the hope that someone saw me, saw my pain, and was there to help me. However, life has a way of trying to steal our peace.

Weeks later I experienced a miscarriage, which brought sadness back into my life. To acknowledge the life that was lost, my husband and I planned an event on the baby's due date to memorialized our baby by lightening off Chinese lanterns at dusk at a nearby park. Friend and family were attending but I felt nudged by what I now know was the Holy Spirit to contact Gloria. I asked if she could speak at the event and without hesitation she agreed but she encouraged me to write my thoughts down as well.

The evening of the event our friends, who were at the park, joined with us  in a circle to light the lanterns. I began a prayer to God. I thanked Him for our baby and for taking our child to heaven to experience the love of the Father firsthand. I thanked Him for taking care of our baby and I told Him I looked forward to the time that I would meet them both. Even though I prayed with hesitation, I prayed with a tender heart, and it was the first time that I felt the tangible presence of the Lord, Jesus Christ.

Matthew 18:20 says,

"That where two or more gather together as my followers, I am there among them."

Shortly after the memorial event at the park, my life would forever change.

The R.A.W. Encounters (Phase I) group that Gloria invited me began. During the 12-week course, these classes taught me about the bondage I was experiencing through soul ties and soul wounds, which opened the door to bitterness and unforgiveness. We were introduced to how witchcraft and the occult have permeated our society and unfortunately, our lives. But what astounded me was that God knew what I needed before I did. He met me where I was at, in the middle of my mess with no questions asked and no judgement. He was intentional with every piece of information so that the knowledge reached more than just my mind, the wisdom reached my heart drawing me to Him.

God was drawing me in just as John 6:44 says, "For no one can come to me (Jesus) unless the Father who sends me draws them to me and at the last day, I will raise them up." I love the promise at the end of this verse that tells me that I will be with God, raised up to be with Him.

To sum up my testimony, in the popular video series, The Chosen, Mary of Magdelin tells Nicodemus, "I used to be one way, now I'm completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Him!" My heart melts every time I view that episode and see Mary's smile and I know that I am her!